Thursday, February 17, 2011

prozac nation

"frozen in time
promises broken
truth is spoken
words twist and grind
single corner of your brain
i'm falling
it's all scribble
escape from demons in your head
you wake up one morning and afraid you are going to live
gradually slowly
all i see is the dark side of everything
i kill her joy
i'm worried that i'm in therapy
most people cut themselves and put a bandaid on it
you keep going no matter what happens to you
i hate myself
hurt the people that love me
waiting, waiting, waiting
he's gotta be my salvation
you are all cold and distant
i feel so powerless
do you want me to slit my wrists to qualify
maybe he really did finally miss me
i love you.. there is nothing you feel that you don't feel right down to the bottom of yourself.. you are incredible
real love is total, like life or death, like you know that you are going to die when you apart because the need is so pure so complete
occasionally i wished i could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons so I would finally look like i felt
i start to feel like i can’t maintain the facade any longer, that i may just start to show through. and i wish i knew what was wrong. maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. i don’t know. why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... i don’t know the answer, i know only that I can’t. i don't want any more vicissitudes, i don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. i just want out. i’ve had it. i am so tired. i am twenty and i am already exhausted.
it's the people you are close to, the ones who love you, the ones who have seen your heart, who have touched your soul- to them, it is obvious that something is wrong or missing. your heart and soul are missing. they feel it. it hurts them. it kills them.
light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. no matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it
everyday took an age to go by, which was odd, because days plural went past like a stampede
i can't imagine how incredibly painful it is to be you
you like other people's misery
i can't believe you are pushing drugs after all of that
i'll be okay and there is a reason
sometimes it feels like we are all living in a prozac nation.. the united states of depression
i don't know who i am anymore and i have this personality and it's fucked up and it's me
i can't be this person without taking pills
if only my life could be more like the movies
i want an angel to swoop down to me like he does to jimmy stewart in it's a wonderful life and talk me out of suicide
i've always waited for that one moment of truth to set me free and change my life forever, that he will come. it doesn't happen that way.
the same way i went down i came back up gradually and then suddenly...
the pills weren't a cure all, but they gave me breathing space which allowed me to start writing again, but this time it wasn't as if my life depended upon it"

ps thanks for the film suggestion jw. WOW this film is fabulous due to christina's performance.. it identifies clinical depression by accurately portraying what depression feels like. a very emotional film that i believe anyone may relate to, either knowing a friend or being in the same position themselves. uh huh, it's good! watch it.
ps ps i think the boyfriend role was mis-cast.

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